Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
