Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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