____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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