I should be sponsored by Trojan
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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