he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
