thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
