Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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