how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
