An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
