the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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