this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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