i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
this is an emotional support booty call
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
