Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
