This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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