i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
