My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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