She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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