She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
