im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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