I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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