I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
