Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He shit in the fireplace
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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