I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
