dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
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