he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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