I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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