i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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