Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize