he thought i was a dude.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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