but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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