Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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