If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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