I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
