could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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