were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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