well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
