census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We need a shit load of segways right now
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
