When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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