she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
