you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
