it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize