My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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