I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
