i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
