Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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