my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
