I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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