its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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