I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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