i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
