I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
