Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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