every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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