Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
