i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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