If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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