he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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